tee hee. Questions are good! I totally encourage them!
I do get a lot of repeat questions but I will always try to give either links to old responses (If I can find them) or just outright answer them again. I don’t mind. I do like to focus on each question *anon or not* so it can take a bit of time before I get to you if I fall too far behind. <3
How did I know this was the lifestyle preference for me?
Hmmm, you are right…that’s a hard one. Truth is, I didn’t, and quite honestly, 4 years ago I would have denied that it ever could be either especially with two men. I have known and fully accepted since I was 20-21 that I was bisexual and I believed it was likely that I would want to fool around with a woman sometime while dating/engaged/married to my husband. But I never believed I was capable of “loving” two people at the same time. I could accept another person as a glorified sex toy, for lack of a better word, but I would never accept them as more than a friend at most. It actually surprised quite a few people when I started dating my now husband because at that time I was only truly dating women. 4 years ago, I thought the same thing. Then I met Enigma. Sure, I have had physical crushes on other women over the years but Enigma was the first GUY I had a crush on. To top it off, it was the first physical AND emotional crush I had had while being with my husband. He kinda defied everything I had previously been attracted too and everything I had thought about crushes and love. I fought myself for a year before I finally accepted I was, in fact, in love with two people. I still did not know at the time if I was capable of living the lifestyle or even admitting it out loud, let alone to my husband. That would come much much later.
To be 100% honest, even when I came out and was honest with my husband, after we spent several days in tears questioning our marriage and everything we had believed in. Fearing what changes could lie ahead with the new knowledge…I still did not “know” this would be my lifestyle. I actually had low expectations of things working out after my husband said we should give it a try. I expected it all to fall apart. I expected jealousy to get the best of all 3 of us. I figured those first couple months would either make us or break us and THAT is when I knew. After a few months, it just started feeling…right. The boys friendship actually got stronger, my relationship with both got stronger and all three of us were spending time together, discussing issues as they came up, having fun going on adventures together, and talking about our future as if this relationship really wasn’t any different than any other mono one. It was through experience that I knew this lifestyle was right for me. I had wanted to believe it would all work out the day we opened our relationship…but I could never be sure until I knew we all were capable of it. It never would have worked out if all three of us weren’t committed to making things work. That is how I know. They are my best friends AND my lovers and they respect each other. Teamwork and communication really are everything.
Have I always been open about being poly?
When my husband and I opened our marriage and I started dating Enigma we decided to keep it quiet for a while so we could focus on weather or not this could even work for us. We all were new to this environment and wanted to make sure it was something we could even do. I started this blog as my outlet a couple weeks in so that I could get perspective from other poly people as I didn’t have any local resources. Enigma ended up telling all his friends first because he just couldn’t handle it anymore, that was about a month into our relationship. My husband came out to most of our friends, starting with his best friend, closer to 2 months in. I have some friends whom I told between the 1-2 month mark. Needless to say, it wasn’t a secret very long. We have been able to talk pretty freely about it and even our friends who initially expressed concern have see it as normal for us now. They cant provide advice most of the time of course but they know and haven’t been judgmental. As for family…that’s a different story. Enigma told his entire family a couple months in. I was terrified they would hate me, but they surprised me more than I could ever expect. They have always been 100% supportive and love me to death. They also adore my son and husband as well and think that we have always had a positive impact on their son. If I ever needed advice or support, I have it and more from them. They are outstanding and loving people. Glowbug’s family found out in a horrible way. A cousin saw something on facebook and telephoned the information to all the way to his mother. She freaked out. She now knows everything in full and its obvious she does not agree with it or understand it…BUT she is trying to accept it. She knows her son is stubborn and will follow his desires with or without her blessing and that is something she respects so she does her best to keep her tongue in check. Truthfully she has been really good lately, not exactly warm about it, but she does ask about Enigma and how we all are doing. My family….doesn’t know. My family is the most abrasive, they are very anti alternative relationships, homophobic, racist at times, and have actually disowned me in the past over the guy I was seeing. They have always had the “I don’t care what people do behind closed doors, but I don’t want it in my face” and it has been in my best mental interest to keep my life, since it doesn’t affect them whatsoever, behind those closed doors that they request. Sometimes it bothers me, but honestly I have stopped caring about what they will think. If they call me out on it, I will be honest and tell them that it has been going on for getting closer to 2 years….not exactly a fling….nor an immature impulsive dumb decision. I’m not getting a divorce, I’m not having an affair, this works for us, I don’t need their approval. At the end of the day I don’t go home to them, I go home to my husband and boyfriend who love me unconditionally. I love my parents, but I accept we may not agree on everything. So long as they keep their opinions to themselves and away from my child. But that also doesn’t mean that I feel the need to go out of my way to announce to them something that doesn’t affect them yet. They will be told eventually sooner or later….when the timing is right.
Awe! Thank you! I have officially gone around the rainbow now!!! <3 :)
It is with tons of respect that I strongly encourage you and your wife (her partner too if willing) talk to a relationship counselor.
It concerns me that she has suggested divorce, but I do know know her reasoning here so I am hesitant to comment too harshly. Promise rings are positive relationship items and honestly, shouldn’t truly concern you…if you accept that she loves her second partner then it isn’t too unrealistic to accept that she likely would have married them if she were single. In fact, a lot of poly people have “nonlegal” wedding ceremonies to bond themselves to more than one partner. I don’t see this as negative, I see this as positive. Suggesting divorce makes me feel that there is some sort of legal reason she is interested in marrying the other person or that she has fallen out of love with you and wants to go a different direction. There is no way for me to know for sure. This is why I suggest an unbiased mediator (therapist/counselor/etc) to help navigate this a bit better than I possibly could.
Even if you have a different type of attraction to each of your partners you should still try to understand their wants and needs and put the effort into maintaining a relationship with them. When she says she wasn’t interested in men to begin it shouldn’t be an excuse for her to not give you love and attention. It may not be the same as her other partner, in fact, it probably will be very different, but if she loves you and you her then you both need to find a healthy balance of give and take or one of you will always be miserable.
I have never been in a situation like you are describing but I know that if I felt I was “losing” my partner to their other partner, I would first try to communicate with them and if that didn’t really get anywhere I would very strongly encourage them to see a relationship counselor with me. Not because everything is broken or bad, but because I want to help strengthen our communication and try to find healthy balance instead of being miserable in silence.
If that is met with protest or goes nowhere…then I hate saying it but it might be in your best interest to evaluate this relationship in relation to what is best for you and your future. If you are miserable, with no future of things changing then it might be a good idea to carve a new path.
I do wish you the best of luck and send lots of *hugs*
Holy crap its been a busy week!
Wed/Thurs I was with Enigma (boyfriend) and we took full advantage of the sunshine. We had a lovely picnic in the park and for the first time in years I just laid in the sunshine with a boy and cloud watched, we went on a hike in the forest along a stream and I had my last aerial class of this term. I have been struggling with ONE last benchmark until I move on to the next series and in in my last class I FINALLY did it, flawlessly! I nearly cried. I take physical personal achievements very seriously and very to heart. I never dreamed when I was younger that I could do half the stuff I can do now because of aerial class and stubborn determination.
Friday it was still lovely so I took the kiddo to the playground and I hula hooped for hours while he played with other kids
Saturday, Minion had his second gymnastics class (and he is doing SO much better at paying attention, I am so very proud) and then Glowbug (husband) drove to the ocean for a family day and we spent the day exploring tide pools, visiting a light house, flying kites, and enjoying the long drive on a beautiful day. Super awesome day.
Sunday I had a makeup aerial drop in class from the class I missed when I messed up my neck. I had no idea how advanced this class would be but most of the students were at least a class ahead of me so I learned a couple different movement and transitions that I had never attempted before. Instead of 30 min on silks and 30 on trapeze this was a full 60 min on silks and rope (which I had never done before) and I seriously pushed myself farther than I expected. It was SUPER fun! I love taking classes with people who don’t baby me but encourage me to try things above my level, I learn a lot faster that way. SUPER exhausting though. My upper body is toast. Glowbug, Minion and I went shopping downtown while waiting for my class to start and then after, we all went to Enigma’s work to say hi.
Monday Glowbug took a personal day and one of our close friends came over for an arts and crafts/beer tasting day. We have been chatting about making hollowed out book safe’s for years and yesterday we finally brought out the modge podge and exacto knives and tore up some books. It was great fun. We also took kiddo to the playground where I was swarmed by a little girls who wanted me to teach them how to hula hoop. Lesson Learned: Bring more than 1 hula hoop to the playground next time. haha.
Today is my “down time” day….happily enough two of my makeup subscriptions came today so that made me super giddy and I plan to catch up on some Tumblr messages and do some reading.
Tomorrow I am “suppose” to be going on an overnight cabin or yurt camping adventure with Enigma but the weather is forecasting rain so I have no idea what is actually going on. I do know that this Thursday is the first Thursday I haven’t had an aerial class and/or a psych appointment in MONTHS so Enigma wants to go celebrate somehow. (We talked about hiking up a mountain but if its raining that probably wont happen) Who knows?
This Spider is a very active creature….lol
(Original list here) http://lyricalagony.tumblr.com/post/38053573109/the-non-monogamous-14-day-challenge
Day 2: When did you first realize you were non-monogamous? What was that experience like?
I’ve answered this recently (Like…
OLD POST….from 2012 back when Enigma was J and Glowbug was D. Still, good info for those who are curious about my realizations with polyamory and some Spider back-story
I have a couple links as I have talked about similar subjects like this in the past that I will put at the bottom.
You are totally correct that my husband and I never intended for our marriage to be open from the beginning. At most, we had talked about my desire to likely be with a woman again (which did happen in a physical but not emotional relationship between Her, Glowbug and myself before I ever met Enigma) That amount of openness was brought up the first week of my dating relationship with Glowbug because when I met him I was actually ONLY pursuing lesbian relationships. I needed him to be aware of my bisexual interests before committing to a relationship with me. We both agreed that “someday” that might come up and we would talk about it then. That was all I asked of him, to keep an open mind about girls. Several years into our relationship, even though we had had the “bisexual with a girl” talk, the idea of me having feelings towards a man was a crushing reality for him.
Truthfully it was really hard for us both. Like you, I realized what I was capable of when I met Enigma. There was no denying after a short amount of time that I was in love with two people. I WAS Polyamorous minded even if I didn’t act on it. I also struggled with the reality that I could very likely lose my husband if he asked me to be honest about it. In my situation, I encouraged poly conversations stemming from my history of bisexual conversations with my husband. It was very awkward but because of the ways I communicate with my husband I chose to respect his hesitation rather than push forward without his blessing. It does help to already have those “openness” communication doors open, as it seems a bit less blind-sighting to your partner when they either discover or are told that you are Poly. I also was fully aware that even if I was honest with him, and not acting on my emotions for Enigma that it might be more than he could handle or accept. Its a BIG change. Its extremely difficult for most historically monogamous people to accept. Like any other BIG change in your relationship it can merit re-evaluation of the relationship all together.
I do not want to rock any waves here but as an analogy it wouldn’t be a lot different (in terms of relationship “change” severity) than being with your partner for several years doing the same things you normally do and being the person they met and fell in love with, and then telling them you have a personal serious gender conflict and after much personal deep thought and reflection you wanted to follow through with gender reassignment surgery and/or peruse a trans transition for yourself. Your partner might, understandably, have a very difficult time accepting this change. Their relationship is affected quite a bit by your decision and it is up to both of you to decide what you can handle and what you cant handle in terms of change. You both need to do what you feel is best for you and sometimes big changes aren’t always accommodated or accepted. A lot of people are open minded, but not everyone is 100% open minded all the time. And just because they love you and support your decisions does not always mean they want or can handle that lifestyle for themselves as well.
I’m not saying any of these things to be discouraging, but I am being very realistic about relationship change. I am tremendously thankful that my husband is the man he is and accepted my poly heart by opening our marriage instead of feeling it was more than he could handle or accept. The only way we ever navigated through all those thoughts is by solid and constant communication. Talking about our fears, talking about the subjects that made us uncomfortable or angry, being 100% honest and devoted to making happiness balanced. I never would have considered polyamory had I not loved my husband…I would have left my husband for Enigma or who knows, maybe someone else. I AM Poly BECAUSE I love my husband. Because even though I fell in love with a second person, I never stopped loving my husband and I respected him enough not to have an affair because it would have hurt him. I couldn’t selfishly hurt him like that….If I every was going to hurt my husband with Polyamory it wasn’t going to be via infidelity…it would be via honesty and it would be fixed and nurtured via communication.
Anyways, long winded post but here is the “How I met the men” story link: http://polyamoryspider.tumblr.com/introductions/
This could also be helpful http://polyamoryspider.tumblr.com/post/39076164964/14-day-poly-challange-day-2
AWE!!! YAY! Thank you so very very much! Its been quite the month so far! Lots to celebrate <3 <3 <3 <3